Posts Tagged 'listening'

Lessons My Horse Taught Me

My childhood dream was to someday own a horse and it was a privilege to make that dream come true. I was a horse owner for thirty years and after hacking around for the first ten, I began pursuing the art of dressage. Here are a few of the many lessons I learned during those hundreds of hours in the saddle.

1. Just as with life, dressage is an exercise in continuous improvement. If you want to learn, enhance your skills, and enrich your existence, you have to focus on what you want and make a long-term commitment.

2. What feels “natural” isn’t always correct. For example, when leading a horse, if it rears up or jerks its head back, instead of following your instinct to pull, move toward the horse and then give the lead line a jerk. Use your brain to control the situation whenever you’re outweighed, outmuscled, or overwhelmed.

3. Ask for what you want in a way that it can be easily understood by the other party. This one needs no example.

4. Accept constructive feedback and adjust your behavior accordingly so you can be more effective. You may be tempted to condemn an unusual idea or get defensive when criticized, but instead, listen carefully, keep your mouth shut, and consider the merits of what’s being said.

5. We’re often inclined to take the easy way out, but in life as in riding, the most effective strategy is often the hardest one. Don’t cheat yourself. Suck it up and put forth whatever effort it takes so you can learn to do it right. Once you internalize the skill it’ll be yours for as long as you live.

6. We are all driven by our own agendas. Dressage is challenging and complex, and just as the rider needs to do what’s difficult, so does the horse, and sometimes the pair will be working at cross purposes. This also happens in personal and work relationships. Reread items 1 through 5 for inspiration on this one.

7. Instead of wishing for miracles, take the initiative; create your own. You can’t expect another person (or animal, or situation) to change for the better till you do.

Simple Action: While you might never find yourself on the back of a horse, every day you metaphorically ride out to meet your day. Which of these lessons I learned in the saddle most “speak” to you and how will you let them enrich your existence?

Don’t Get Fed Up By Feedback

If you’ve ever veered out of your lane and onto the side of the road while driving, you know the sound of those attention-getting pavement grooves. The noise is a form of feedback you can’t ignore. Within seconds, you steer back into your lane more cautious and conscious than before.

We all need feedback. That doesn’t mean we always like it, but it can be helpful and once in a while it can save the day. How do you react when receiving feedback on your behavior that bears no resemblance to your genuine intent?

Years ago, after one of my speeches, a woman took me aside, explaining that she had been viscerally offended when I said, “You’ll become a born again communicator.” One of her coworkers had the same reaction. I thought I’d been clever and catchy but after her heartfelt feedback I never said that phrase again.

These days, in my speeches on stress I describe how people compulsively compete over who’s the most stressed. In illustrating today’s social one-upping exchanges, I quip “You think your stress is bad—I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the first Bush administration!” The line always gets a laugh.

Recently someone was offended by my “slam” of president Bush. For years I’ve used this line solely as a “time” reference (exaggeration equals comedy; imagine not having a good night’s sleep for 20 years!). But the offended person tuned out once I got “political.” I was flabbergasted.

Well, here’s the reality: if I’ve offended one person, chances are I’ve offended more. I could say it’s their problem but it’s really mine. In my MSU Communication classes I learned that the message received is the message regardless of intention. As a speaker I don’t know what impact my words are having unless someone lets me know. Rather than trying to explain my intention, I simply say, “Thank you for taking the time to tell me.”

People want actions, not excuses. So now I have the adventure of finding a new, non-political time-based reference. Maybe I’ll use the Chicago Cubs and their ever-elusive pursuit of the pennant, who knows. Any ideas?

Simple Action: When you receive some jarring feedback, resist defending your intent. Listen carefully to the other party’s interpretation. Think of their comments as a safety device like those noisy grooves in the road. Instead of heading for possible disaster, maybe someone has just helped you get back on track.


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Why a Butterfly?

A butterfly's life begins with an egg, which grows into a caterpillar, where it nourishes itself. Next is the chrysalis, the transformational stage where the caterpillar turns into a butterfly. Sometimes we go through stages where we need to rest or remain dormant in preparation for our next dramatic change.


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