Leslie Charles’s Blog

If you’ve ever veered out of your lane and onto the side of the road while driving, you know the sound of those attention-getting pavement grooves. The noise is a form of feedback you can’t ignore. Within seconds, you steer back into your lane more cautious and conscious than before.

We all need feedback. That doesn’t mean we always like it, but it can be helpful and once in a while it can save the day. How do you react when receiving feedback on your behavior that bears no resemblance to your genuine intent?

Years ago, after one of my speeches, a woman took me aside, explaining that she had been viscerally offended when I said, “You’ll become a born again communicator.” One of her coworkers had the same reaction. I thought I’d been clever and catchy but after her heartfelt feedback I never said that phrase again.

These days, in my speeches on stress I describe how people compulsively compete over who’s the most stressed. In illustrating today’s social one-upping exchanges, I quip “You think your stress is bad—I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the first Bush administration!” The line always gets a laugh.

Recently someone was offended by my “slam” of president Bush. For years I’ve used this line solely as a “time” reference (exaggeration equals comedy; imagine not having a good night’s sleep for 20 years!). But the offended person tuned out once I got “political.” I was flabbergasted.

Well, here’s the reality: if I’ve offended one person, chances are I’ve offended more. I could say it’s their problem but it’s really mine. In my MSU Communication classes I learned that the message received is the message regardless of intention. As a speaker I don’t know what impact my words are having unless someone lets me know. Rather than trying to explain my intention, I simply say, “Thank you for taking the time to tell me.”

People want actions, not excuses. So now I have the adventure of finding a new, non-political time-based reference. Maybe I’ll use the Chicago Cubs and their ever-elusive pursuit of the pennant, who knows. Any ideas?

Simple Action: When you receive some jarring feedback, resist defending your intent. Listen carefully to the other party’s interpretation. Think of their comments as a safety device like those noisy grooves in the road. Instead of heading for possible disaster, maybe someone has just helped you get back on track.