Here’s the story she told me after my speech about being “in the moment” and taking advantage of now. Imagine yourself in her situation as you read along (men, you’ll only have to make a small gear adjustment):

You’re facing a long day of giving presentations to prospective clients. Wanting to look your most credible, you’ve put on your best navy business suit and matching pumps. It’s December, but there’s no snow so the good shoes are a non issue.

But after lunch, despite the sun, it starts snowing. With each hour the flakes fall faster and thicker. By 4:30, as you swing into the daycare center parking lot to pick up your three-year old grandson Preston, you’re stepping into almost four inches of snow. As the two of you leave the building your grandson looks down, beams and says, “Gwanma, let’s lay down and make snow angels.”

Your heart is touched but you make an appeal, “Honey, grandma is wearing her best suit and heels. I can’t make snow angels dressed like this!” Preston looks at you with those huge appealing eyes and says, “Pweassseee?” You stand there, torn between the practical and the deliciously impulsive. Then a wistful feeling sweeps over you.

Just a few months ago, your father passed away and the loss is still raw. You look at Preston and say, “Why NOT?” So, power suit, pumps and all, right in front of the daycare school you and your giggling grandson make snow angels.

You invite other adults and kids to join in but nobody does. Some look, some smile, some just walk away while the two of you laugh and play in the snow. You know in your heart that even your best business suit and shoes can be cleaned, repaired, or replaced, but moments like this, when lost, can never be retrieved.

Simple Action: Life is short and we need to take immediate action when opportunities present themselves for the taking or memories are there for the making.

NOTE: I wish you many snow angels; the one above is mine. Thank you, Lorraine, for being a life enricher.

How expressive are you when you receive the quality service, products, or experience you think you deserve? And when you’re displeased, how vocal are you, and to whom do you voice your dissatisfaction?

I recently had an opportunity to express my extreme and utter dissatisfaction at a place where I was staying. Traveling with computer and printer, I composed, printed, and hand delivered a letter explaining how I felt, complete with two “visual aids” from my place so staff would know exactly what my objections were.

I stood in the office while two employees read my letter. It was gratifying to see confirmation on their faces; they seemed relieved that finally, a guest had outed some of their serious issues. They passed my letter on to the manager and I was given new lodging.

Before leaving, I wrote another letter thanking everyone for making things right. I also explained that resentful customers often trash a place or get destructive to demonstrate their upset. A few hours later I received a gracious call from the manager thanking me for my feedback. Why did this happen? Maybe because my comments were:

1. Respectful. There were no insults, blame, indignation, or innuendo in either letter. Practicing restraint, I politely explained how my experience had fallen far short of my expectations.

2. Descriptive. I was very specific about what disappointed me so there was no doubt in anyone’s mind what I was unhappy about.

3. Targeted. My first letter stated that I had chosen to complain to the people who could fix my problem (instead of complaining to friends) so the facility would have a chance to step up to the plate, which they did.

4. Insightful. By describing the ways angry customers act out their resentment, I offered a glimpse of how customers think and why.

5. Credible. I briefly explained that I’ve written three books on customer service and have been teaching the subject for many years.

Simple Action: Never alienate or tick off anyone who can resolve your problem. Intend to team up, not steam up. Be respectful, descriptive, targeted, insightful, and credible in your feedback so you can help others help you get exactly what you want.

Hey, stuff happens. Lately it’s been my turn. The Plan: Six nights on Jekyll Island, Georgia for a writing retreat (this very week, actually; this is written in real time). Edit a client’s book and revise one of mine. It’s now Wednesday. I’m not quite halfway through my client project and haven’t even thought about my book! Actually, I’ve thought about it. Yet how can I complain? I’m somewhere special getting to do something special, after all.

My second day of driving I encountered severe snowstorms in the mountains of Tennessee (a first). But I toughed it out and stopped for the night, figuring that the route I had planned would lead to better weather. Guess again. It seems that I-40 (Knoxville to Asheville) is closed indefinitely due to a rock slide. An alternate route, 441 was closed due to ice and snow. Not exactly perfect planning or a perfect outcome, but it was a bit exciting.

For my morning drive I only had to backtrack about 40 miles back to I-75.  It was sunny and cold and all of the trees looked as if they had been dipped in crystal; it was breathtaking! I arrived on Jekyll late Sunday night, getting a room I didn’t like. I now have a better one but instead of dunes and palm trees and ocean most of what I see is the pool. Not a perfect view.

It’s cold on the Georgia coast this week and it rained all day yesterday. I’ve never seen it rain here before; I didn’t know it could, but I got to stay indoors and do what I came to do. And did I mention that I caught Rob’s cold the day before I left?

I won’t get everything accomplished that I had hoped.  And I’ve discovered that when you stay at a place with lots of older people, their TVs are really loud. A perfect trip? No way. But it has the feel of an almost perfect adventure. Achoo!

Simple Action: When things don’t quite reach perfection, transform that which goes awry into adventure. It builds your character and makes a great story once you embellish it. I’m still working on the latter.

We all need feedback. That doesn’t mean we always like it, but it can be helpful and once in a while it can save the day. How do you react when receiving feedback on your behavior that bears no resemblance to your genuine intent?

Years ago, after one of my speeches, a woman took me aside, explaining that she had been viscerally offended when I said, “You’ll become a born again communicator.” One of her coworkers had the same reaction. I thought I’d been clever and catchy but after her heartfelt feedback I never said that phrase again.

These days, in my speeches on stress I describe how people compulsively compete over who’s the most stressed. In illustrating today’s social one-upping exchanges, I quip “You think your stress is bad—I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the first Bush administration!” The line always gets a laugh.

Recently someone was offended by my “slam” of president Bush. For years I’ve used this line solely as a “time” reference (exaggeration equals comedy; imagine not having a good night’s sleep for 20 years!). But the offended person tuned out once I got “political.” I was flabbergasted.

Well, here’s the reality: if I’ve offended one person, chances are I’ve offended more. I could say it’s their problem but it’s really mine. In my MSU Communication classes I learned that the message received is the message regardless of intention. As a speaker I don’t know what impact my words are having unless someone lets me know. Rather than trying to explain my intention, I simply say, “Thank you for taking the time to tell me.”

People want actions, not excuses. So now I have the adventure of finding a new, non-political time-based reference. Maybe I’ll use the Chicago Cubs and their ever-elusive pursuit of the pennant, who knows. Any ideas?

Simple Action: When you receive some jarring feedback, resist defending your intent. Listen carefully to the other party’s interpretation. Think of their comments as a safety device like those noisy grooves in the road. Instead of heading for possible disaster, maybe someone has just helped you get back on track.

The theme and 365-day project are featured in my two previous posts, and now I get to highlight this list of reminders borrowed from the Seasonal Advice section of my Why Is Everyone So Cranky? site, adding a few comments for your reading pleasure. Maybe you’ll appreciate these reminders enough to write your own list or experiment with what’s here.

1.  Live consciously. Be aware of what you’re doing and why (it  never hurts to be mindful of both behavior and intent).

2.  Laugh more (it’s your best stress management tool and a full-function cleansing tonic; think “free mental spa”).

3.  Love more fully in word and deed (offer an extra moment or two of full attention, eye contact, and empathy; you get the point).

4.  Lift the spirits of others by keeping your attitude, heart, and spirit light (think levity, think buoyancy).

5.  Let go of the fears, insecurities, or self-doubts that limit your potential (dump that mental baggage you’ve been dragging around for way too long).

6.  Learn something brand new this year (be inclined to say “yes” instead of “no” so you can stretch your skills and use your imagination).

7.  Loosen up and let yourself have more fun (you’ll enjoy life and work more and the best part; people will enjoy you more).

8.  Lean on others when you need. By asking for support you allow others to give (’tis easier to give than receive; the latter is a form of true generosity).

9.  Lead by example at work, at home, and in between (you know this one; whatever you do out-shouts anything you say).

10. Loiter more. Slow up, relax, and take your time (cultivate the art of slowing up and showing up instead of hurrying and worrying).

From Henry David Thoreau: “As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”

Simple Action: Remind yourself over and over again that life-enriching acts are simple. The complexity is in repeating those acts over and over again until they become ingrained.

The word resolution is defined as “a firm decision to do or not do something.” You know the drill: make a list, check it twice, stand back and hope for a miracle. Try to transform, mess up, try again, try harder, give up. That’s pretty much how it goes for many of us. Others long ago gave up on the idea entirely.

So if you have a list of resolutions are they realistic? When you look at your list do you feel a wave of deja vu all over again? How many of these items were on last year’s list, and maybe the year before, or the year before that? For how long did you stick to your resolutions last year, and if the honeymoon was brief, what makes you think you’ll be successful this time around?

Sorry to rain on your parade, but maybe it’s time to try another tack. I just happen to have one. This approach is simple, practical, and effective. Instead of hoping for that mythical massive makeover, all you have to do is get focused.

Here’s what I mean. Pick one self-development behavior you know would enrich your life. Work on it for the entire year of 2010 and you’ll end up with a newly ingrained habit that will stay with you.

That’s it. That’s all you have to do. Of course, there will be the usual trial and error, attempt and failure, but here’s good news. There’s always tomorrow. Give yourself a year of “do overs” and you’ve internalized a new habit—for good! It’s ten times more effective than the traditional way.

I began this remarkable practice in 1997. It’s my 365-Day Personal Project. As a result of this focused approach, I am more patient, less stressed, more inclined to use my sense of humor in pressure situations, and far more self-aware.

Here was my indelible insight about this simple but life-altering practice: for once, time is on your side. Interested? You can read more details here. It’s the best seasonal advice I could give you.

Simple Action: Rather than frustrating yourself with sweeping changes, pick one self-development behavior you’d like to work on. Get started. Don’t stop. You’ll be glad you did.

We might even wonder how we can we make this year different or better from the one just passed. If you’ve had any of these thoughts, here’s a suggestion.

What if you faced your new year with a focus: a theme, a word or phrase to help shape what awaits you? This is a practice my life partner Rob and I established several years ago and the results have been quite stunning. Life-changing, actually. And I mean it!

You have probably read about “the power of the mind.” What we think (and how we think) has a huge impact on our feelings and actions. Our thoughts influence our perceptions and our perceptions influence our behavior. Much of time we have no idea what’s going on in those busy little brains of ours, but imagine the possibilities if we ratcheted up our awareness a notch or two!

Well, having a theme will do that. If you created a mental frame (theme) for your creative little mind, a focused motif for the year, every day you could reflect on it and let it guide you. Do you suppose this might make a difference in your thoughts, perceptions, decisions, or behavior? I do!

I always make a “theme” poster that goes on my office wall and here is this year’s. It makes for a friendly reminder and visual celebration of my year’s focal point. Thanks to last year’s theme, I accomplished a lot, and this year I continue the trend.

If you find this idea at all intriguing, here is where you can read more about it. Review our themes from the beginning and read a few reports of concrete outcomes. Yesterday I wrote up my Goal List for 2010 (personal and professional), keeping my theme of Finesse in mind. Guess what—it’s already kicked in!

Simple Action: Test drive this idea. You don’t have to be like me and shout it to the world. You can keep it a secret and just experiment with the possibilities. Why not give it a shot? I guarantee it will make a difference.

]]> http://blog.lesliecharles.com/2009/12/29/new-for-you-an-annual-theme/feed/ 2 leschas 2010 Theme http://blog.lesliecharles.com/2009/12/24/a-special-gift/ http://blog.lesliecharles.com/2009/12/24/a-special-gift/#comments Thu, 24 Dec 2009 15:09:45 +0000 leschas http://blog.lesliecharles.com/?p=502 ]]> If I could give you a special gift, it would be…

Unbridled vitality to sustain your mind, body, and spirit…

Humor so you would laugh your way through life…

Happiness so you would live with a joyful heart…

Spiritual depth so you would know and trust yourself…

Nurturing relationships so you would celebrate love…

Adaptability so you would change and grow with ease…

Positive persistence so you would prevail against the odds…

Wisdom so you would make magnificent choices.

But none of these are mine to give:

Only you can give such a special gift—to yourself.

(From my book Stick To It! The Power of Positive Persistence)

Simple Action: Remind yourself every day that you are both the bearer and recipient of these awesome, self-perpetuating, self-empowering gifts.

6.  Review what you still feel grateful for. It may seem strange, but gratitude still exists in the midst of loss. Survivors of natural disasters or other calamities often say, “At least we still have…” or “Thank goodness for…” This has always touched me, and in times of my own losses I’ve been surprised to find myself thinking that way, too. It might help if you were to create a short list of what you still hold dear in your life.

7.  Create a “healing ritual.” One family lit a candle every day for two weeks, before and after Christmas, following the death of their father to signify his presence in their hearts. Other families buy or make an item to symbolize their loved one or to represent the better times that lie ahead.

8.  Express yourself. This is an incredibly personal endeavor. In the case of death, you might write a letter to your loved one, or if you are particularly down, write the letter your loved one would write to you. If you are in dire financial circumstances and/or without a job, write a note of encouragement (to you, from you) and say all the comforting or confidence-boosting things your best friend might say. Keep these documents, reread them if they bring comfort.

9.  Maintain your faith. In my book  All Is Not Lost, I describe how healing takes place gradually, almost invisibly. We do heal and adjust to the “new normal.” Time is a balm for the heart.

10. Ask for help, support, or encouragement if you need it. By asking for help, you are allowing someone else to give. Let yourself do it. That way you’ll have the strength to help someone you care about in their time of need.

Simple Action: Slow up. Don’t let others foist obligations on you. Be kind to yourself and trust your instincts. Continue the practice of living one day at a time and let your wise inner voice guide your decisions.

1. Resist those Heartrending Refrains. Some of that gooey, resurrected Christmas music can trigger feelings of nostalgia, longing, or loneliness even in the best of times, but it can be your undoing when you’re already down. Restrict your exposure as best you can and opt for other music or even silence for a welcome respite.

2. Do What Works for You. The holiday season comes with a strict set of expectations so establish your own level of participation rather than letting outside influences dictate what you do. Spend time with supportive friends or family, but don’t force yourself to be merry and bright if you don’t feel like it. Do though, create an encouraging “holiday mantra” for yourself: I can handle this… or I can do this… for the moments when you feel overwhelmed.

3. Help Yourself Adjust to Current Circumstances. Things will feel different because they are. Instead of trying to “get things back to normal,” consider that you have moved to a “new” normal. One day at a time, let yourself slowly adjust to the new reality as best you can. This way, you can help those you love progress with along you. Yes, this is difficult, especially if this is your first holiday season since your world changed.

4. Take Good Care of Yourself. Get adequate sleep, or at least do the best you can. Engage in moderate exercise; it’s good for your mind as well as your body. Add some healthy self-nurturing practices to your daily routine. Avoid guilt producing behaviors such as binge eating, drinking, or grudge shopping. Pray. Meditate. Journal.

5. Reach Out. Volunteer. Doing a good deed for someone who is needy, lonely, or ill can ease your aching heart. Positive acts temporarily take you “outside” of yourself and can lend perspective. Sometimes you realize there are people who are even worse off than you. Compassion is a great cleanser of the soul.

Simple Action: Take one day a time. Remind yourself that you have the strength and resilience to withstand difficulty but ask for help or support when you need it. Keep your routine as simple as you can. More to come. . .