Leslie Charles’s Blog

Today while grocery shopping I heard the song, There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays. I thought about our soldiers and their families who won’t be together this holiday season. I thought about those who will be missing someone dear and how different things will be, either temporarily or permanently. It’s that “new normal” described in my first post on holiday loss. And here are a few more considerations for facing less than ideal times:

6.  Review what you still feel grateful for. It may seem strange, but gratitude still exists in the midst of loss. Survivors of natural disasters or other calamities often say, “At least we still have…” or “Thank goodness for…” This has always touched me, and in times of my own losses I’ve been surprised to find myself thinking that way, too. It might help if you were to create a short list of what you still hold dear in your life.

7.  Create a “healing ritual.” One family lit a candle every day for two weeks, before and after Christmas, following the death of their father to signify his presence in their hearts. Other families buy or make an item to symbolize their loved one or to represent the better times that lie ahead.

8.  Express yourself. This is an incredibly personal endeavor. In the case of death, you might write a letter to your loved one, or if you are particularly down, write the letter your loved one would write to you. If you are in dire financial circumstances and/or without a job, write a note of encouragement (to you, from you) and say all the comforting or confidence-boosting things your best friend might say. Keep these documents, reread them if they bring comfort.

9.  Maintain your faith. In my book  All Is Not Lost, I describe how healing takes place gradually, almost invisibly. We do heal and adjust to the “new normal.” Time is a balm for the heart.

10. Ask for help, support, or encouragement if you need it. By asking for help, you are allowing someone else to give. Let yourself do it. That way you’ll have the strength to help someone you care about in their time of need.

Simple Action: Slow up. Don’t let others foist obligations on you. Be kind to yourself and trust your instincts. Continue the practice of living one day at a time and let your wise inner voice guide your decisions.

The holiday season presents images of hearth, home, and boundless bliss but the “joyful” season can induce blue moods, sadness, and depression for anyone struggling with hardship or grief. If you have recently experienced a significant loss, this may not be your most beautiful time of the year. Here are some ways to cope:

1. Resist those Heartrending Refrains. Some of that gooey, resurrected Christmas music can trigger feelings of nostalgia, longing, or loneliness even in the best of times, but it can be your undoing when you’re already down. Restrict your exposure as best you can and opt for other music or even silence for a welcome respite.

2. Do What Works for You. The holiday season comes with a strict set of expectations so establish your own level of participation rather than letting outside influences dictate what you do. Spend time with supportive friends or family, but don’t force yourself to be merry and bright if you don’t feel like it. Do though, create an encouraging “holiday mantra” for yourself: I can handle this… or I can do this… for the moments when you feel overwhelmed.

3. Help Yourself Adjust to Current Circumstances. Things will feel different because they are. Instead of trying to “get things back to normal,” consider that you have moved to a “new” normal. One day at a time, let yourself slowly adjust to the new reality as best you can. This way, you can help those you love progress with along you. Yes, this is difficult, especially if this is your first holiday season since your world changed.

4. Take Good Care of Yourself. Get adequate sleep, or at least do the best you can. Engage in moderate exercise; it’s good for your mind as well as your body. Add some healthy self-nurturing practices to your daily routine. Avoid guilt producing behaviors such as binge eating, drinking, or grudge shopping. Pray. Meditate. Journal.

5. Reach Out. Volunteer. Doing a good deed for someone who is needy, lonely, or ill can ease your aching heart. Positive acts temporarily take you “outside” of yourself and can lend perspective. Sometimes you realize there are people who are even worse off than you. Compassion is a great cleanser of the soul.

Simple Action: Take one day a time. Remind yourself that you have the strength and resilience to withstand difficulty but ask for help or support when you need it. Keep your routine as simple as you can. More to come. . .