If you’ve ever veered out of your lane and onto the side of the road while driving, you know the sound of those attention-getting pavement grooves. The noise is a form of feedback you can’t ignore. Within seconds, you steer back into your lane more cautious and conscious than before.
We all need feedback. That doesn’t mean we always like it, but it can be helpful and once in a while it can save the day. How do you react when receiving feedback on your behavior that bears no resemblance to your genuine intent?
Years ago, after one of my speeches, a woman took me aside, explaining that she had been viscerally offended when I said, “You’ll become a born again communicator.” One of her coworkers had the same reaction. I thought I’d been clever and catchy but after her heartfelt feedback I never said that phrase again.
These days, in my speeches on stress I describe how people compulsively compete over who’s the most stressed. In illustrating today’s social one-upping exchanges, I quip “You think your stress is bad—I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since the first Bush administration!” The line always gets a laugh.
Recently someone was offended by my “slam” of president Bush. For years I’ve used this line solely as a “time” reference (exaggeration equals comedy; imagine not having a good night’s sleep for 20 years!). But the offended person tuned out once I got “political.” I was flabbergasted.
Well, here’s the reality: if I’ve offended one person, chances are I’ve offended more. I could say it’s their problem but it’s really mine. In my MSU Communication classes I learned that the message received is the message regardless of intention. As a speaker I don’t know what impact my words are having unless someone lets me know. Rather than trying to explain my intention, I simply say, “Thank you for taking the time to tell me.”
People want actions, not excuses. So now I have the adventure of finding a new, non-political time-based reference. Maybe I’ll use the Chicago Cubs and their ever-elusive pursuit of the pennant, who knows. Any ideas?
Simple Action: When you receive some jarring feedback, resist defending your intent. Listen carefully to the other party’s interpretation. Think of their comments as a safety device like those noisy grooves in the road. Instead of heading for possible disaster, maybe someone has just helped you get back on track.
Leslie,
I love your newsletter and plan to share it with friends!
Best,
Denise
Thank you Leslie for this important post. I used to get defensive about negative feedback, but I’ve learned over the years to be grateful for feedback, as it is the fastest way to learn and grow. Also, it’s good to remember, when someone is willing to give us negative feedback, it is a sign of caring. Have you ever noticed that someone would benefit from your feedback, but didn’t care enough to share it? Or maybe felt it would be a waste of time, because you knew from their past responses that they wouldn’t receive it anyway? Anyone who wishes to grow, improve, develop as a professional or a person will benefit being receptive to feedback. At least consider the possibility that the person’s observations may be valid or correct. And, yes, thank them for sharing no matter what. Even if you determine the feedback is off-base one time, keep the door open for future communication.
Excellent comments, Robin, and thank you for putting so much thought into your response to my post. We may wince for a moment, but one person’s feedback gives us a realistic sense of how we come off to others.